Mr. B's Mailbag
12.31.03 (7:09 am) [edit]
Dearest Mr. Belvedere,
When I was a kid, my mother told me the story about Humpty Dumpty. I am certain you know how it goes--Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall...well, yesterday I was at a bachelor party and the best man put in a video tape called "Humpty Dumpty". Mr. B, I was crushed. I found out that my mom had lied to me all those years. It turns out that Humpty fell off the wall because he had sex with 15 different women in various positions that I don't think I would even try. What made it worse was that Humpty wasn't really named Humpty. I found out his real name was Ron Jeremy. Should I confront my mother? I mean, now that I have seen the video of the TRUE story of Humpty Dumpty, am I not entitled to the truth???
--Humpless in Harrisburg
[i]Dear Humpless,
I just spit tea all over my nice persian rug. I have no idea where to begin. The British version of Humpty Dumpty only had 11 different positions, and everyone in the movie had bad teeth. I would suggest you keep this newfound information on Humpty to yourself. I have a sneaking suspicion that your mother/son relationship would take a dramatic turn for the worse if you confront her. Before I go, might I suggest another fairy tale flick? It's called Little Blo Peep. I think you will absolutely love this one. --Mr. B[/i]
When I was a kid, my mother told me the story about Humpty Dumpty. I am certain you know how it goes--Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall...well, yesterday I was at a bachelor party and the best man put in a video tape called "Humpty Dumpty". Mr. B, I was crushed. I found out that my mom had lied to me all those years. It turns out that Humpty fell off the wall because he had sex with 15 different women in various positions that I don't think I would even try. What made it worse was that Humpty wasn't really named Humpty. I found out his real name was Ron Jeremy. Should I confront my mother? I mean, now that I have seen the video of the TRUE story of Humpty Dumpty, am I not entitled to the truth???
--Humpless in Harrisburg
[i]Dear Humpless,
I just spit tea all over my nice persian rug. I have no idea where to begin. The British version of Humpty Dumpty only had 11 different positions, and everyone in the movie had bad teeth. I would suggest you keep this newfound information on Humpty to yourself. I have a sneaking suspicion that your mother/son relationship would take a dramatic turn for the worse if you confront her. Before I go, might I suggest another fairy tale flick? It's called Little Blo Peep. I think you will absolutely love this one. --Mr. B[/i]
"Turn and Cough" A commentary by Mr. B
12.30.03 (6:31 pm) [edit]
In today's installment of "Turn and Cough", Mr. Belvedere examines a topic that plagues us all--simple chronic halitosis.
"Greetings. I am going to be blunt with you, my fellow readers. Some of us have bad breath. Some of do not. It seems to have reached endemic proportions as of late. Here are some tips to ensure your breath stays minty fresh:
1. If you drink coffee, please note that your breath after a cup of joe smells like the underside of a skunk.
2. Garlic seems to be en vogue these days, and so many people seem to think that their breath is exempt from garlic's nasty odor. Here is a tip. If you eat anything with garlic, remember that your breath probably is abhorrently putrid, so do not carry on long conversations.
3. brush your friggin teeth and use mouthwash :)
4. Candy corn is not an adequate substitute for a breath mint.
There will be more on this later. For now, I wish you all the best of luck and the best of breath!
--Mr. B
"Greetings. I am going to be blunt with you, my fellow readers. Some of us have bad breath. Some of do not. It seems to have reached endemic proportions as of late. Here are some tips to ensure your breath stays minty fresh:
1. If you drink coffee, please note that your breath after a cup of joe smells like the underside of a skunk.
2. Garlic seems to be en vogue these days, and so many people seem to think that their breath is exempt from garlic's nasty odor. Here is a tip. If you eat anything with garlic, remember that your breath probably is abhorrently putrid, so do not carry on long conversations.
3. brush your friggin teeth and use mouthwash :)
4. Candy corn is not an adequate substitute for a breath mint.
There will be more on this later. For now, I wish you all the best of luck and the best of breath!
--Mr. B
Streaks on the China
12.30.03 (6:21 pm) [edit]
"Greetings fellow bloggers! I hope your holiday was fantastic!
I am more than just an ex-actor from a second rate sitcom who happens to be dead. I have real feelings just like you. And right now, I am really pissed. You see, I was trying to open a jar of Tang, and it was harder than I had anticipated. Just as I was about to give up, the jar lid flew open and Tang went everywhere. To make matters worse, my neighbor ran by and threw a water balloon at me, causing me to get liquid Tang everywhere on me, and my heavenly kitchen.
I beg your pardon, but I was extremely angry. Why must people torment me? I thought hell was when my show was canceled!
I am more than just an ex-actor from a second rate sitcom who happens to be dead. I have real feelings just like you. And right now, I am really pissed. You see, I was trying to open a jar of Tang, and it was harder than I had anticipated. Just as I was about to give up, the jar lid flew open and Tang went everywhere. To make matters worse, my neighbor ran by and threw a water balloon at me, causing me to get liquid Tang everywhere on me, and my heavenly kitchen.
I beg your pardon, but I was extremely angry. Why must people torment me? I thought hell was when my show was canceled!
Life is more than mere survival
12.30.03 (5:36 pm) [edit]
"Greetings fellow bloggers! Yes, it's really me--old Mr. Belvedere. Let us get one thing straight--I died long ago and am writing to you from a cozy little nook up in television heaven. I look forward to blogging away with you all.
You may remember me from my show on ABC, "Mr. Belvedere". Until the bastards canceled us, I thought we were a quality second rate sitcom. Oh, I heard the snickers from the legions of television viewers, but I pretended not to hear them!
At any rate, please come back soon! I will be blogging daily and giving you my advice, my humor and most of all, my commentary...until next time." --Mr. B
You may remember me from my show on ABC, "Mr. Belvedere". Until the bastards canceled us, I thought we were a quality second rate sitcom. Oh, I heard the snickers from the legions of television viewers, but I pretended not to hear them!
At any rate, please come back soon! I will be blogging daily and giving you my advice, my humor and most of all, my commentary...until next time." --Mr. B