Mr. B's Mailbag
01.26.04 (4:49 am) [edit]
"Greetings! Let us dive in and see what happens!"
Dear Mr. Belvedere,
My mother-in-law drives me insane. She always comes over univited and makes little comments like "oh, I see the house is a filthy pigy sty again", or "you could stand to take a shower once in awhile", or "oh, look the kids are wearing tattered clothing". Well, I am sick of it. I think she should shut her trap and let my wife and I do what is best for our family. The problem is, my mother-in-law knows I like to wear women's underwear under my work clothes. (She caught me changing once..long story.) So I am basically at her mercy for the rest of her natural life. What can I do? She drives me nuts!
CD in Cancun
[i]Dear "CD",
Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive. Let's discuss this women's undies issue. I am not one to critique the fetishes of others. I too have my fetishes--a nice cup of Earl Grey before bed, listening to the BBC, and of course the Spice Girls. This however does not preclude me from expressing my own disdain with your need to shove a thong up your ass. I would suggest telling your wife you were sleep walking one day and accidentally put the wrong underwear on, only to find her mother standing there snapping pictures.
This may just work, afterall, she did marry you indicating she too may have lost her faculties in a drug related mishap. By the way, take a shower--this letter stinks!
--Mr. B[/i]
Dear Mr. Belvedere,
My mother-in-law drives me insane. She always comes over univited and makes little comments like "oh, I see the house is a filthy pigy sty again", or "you could stand to take a shower once in awhile", or "oh, look the kids are wearing tattered clothing". Well, I am sick of it. I think she should shut her trap and let my wife and I do what is best for our family. The problem is, my mother-in-law knows I like to wear women's underwear under my work clothes. (She caught me changing once..long story.) So I am basically at her mercy for the rest of her natural life. What can I do? She drives me nuts!
CD in Cancun
[i]Dear "CD",
Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive. Let's discuss this women's undies issue. I am not one to critique the fetishes of others. I too have my fetishes--a nice cup of Earl Grey before bed, listening to the BBC, and of course the Spice Girls. This however does not preclude me from expressing my own disdain with your need to shove a thong up your ass. I would suggest telling your wife you were sleep walking one day and accidentally put the wrong underwear on, only to find her mother standing there snapping pictures.
This may just work, afterall, she did marry you indicating she too may have lost her faculties in a drug related mishap. By the way, take a shower--this letter stinks!
--Mr. B[/i]
Farewell, to a friend.
01.23.04 (11:59 am) [edit]
[i]"Greetings! A sad note to pass along today. Bob Keeshan, also known as Captain Kangaroo died today. He entertained a generation of children and was a true treasure. Although we joke about him often, one thing is clear--he did make a big difference in the lives of many. Rest well my friend." --Mr. B[/i]
(CNN) -- Television's Captain Kangaroo, Bob Keeshan, died Friday morning in Vermont, a family friend told CNN. He was 76.
He died after a long illness, his family told The Associated Press.
"Captain Kangaroo," a children's show, featured the walrus-mustached, bowl-haircut Keeshan entertaining youngsters with his gentle, whimsical humor. Among the show's other characters were the puppets Bunny Rabbit and Mr. Moose, as well as Dancing Bear and the laconic Mr. Green Jeans (Hugh Brannum).
The show ran on CBS from 1955 to 1985, and then moved to public television for six more years. The show won six Emmys and three Peabody Awards.
The format was simplicity itself: Keeshan would wander through the Treasure House, wearing his distinctive big-pocketed coat, and talk with Brannum and the puppets. He'd meet with guests, tell stories, and generally entertain.
Shows were frequently interrupted with silliness, such as hundreds of ping-pong balls dropping from the ceiling or Mr. Moose's knock-knock jokes.
But the mainstay was the grandfatherly Keeshan.
"I was impressed with the potential positive relationship between grandparents and grandchildren, so I chose an elderly character," Keeshan said, according to the AP.
Bob Keeshan in 1999.
In a statement issued by his son Michael, Keeshan's family said: "Our father, grandfather and friend was as passionate for his family as he was for America's children. He was largely a private man living an often public life as an advocate for all that our nation's children deserve."
"Captain Kangaroo" aired in the early mornings on CBS until 1985, when the network canceled the show to expand its morning news program.
Keeshan was named Broadcaster of the Year in 1979 by the International Radio and Television Society and was inducted into the National Association of Broadcasters Hall of Fame in 1998. He also spent five years as the silent Clarabell the Clown on "The Howdy Doody Show."
Keeshan was closely involved with health and child-care issues, serving on several boards and working to provide child care to the children of large corporations.
When Fred Rogers, the gentle host of "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood," died last year, Keeshan recalled how they often spoke about the state of children's programming, according to the AP.
"I don't think it's any secret that Fred and I were not very happy with the way children's television had gone," Keeshan said.
(CNN) -- Television's Captain Kangaroo, Bob Keeshan, died Friday morning in Vermont, a family friend told CNN. He was 76.
He died after a long illness, his family told The Associated Press.
"Captain Kangaroo," a children's show, featured the walrus-mustached, bowl-haircut Keeshan entertaining youngsters with his gentle, whimsical humor. Among the show's other characters were the puppets Bunny Rabbit and Mr. Moose, as well as Dancing Bear and the laconic Mr. Green Jeans (Hugh Brannum).
The show ran on CBS from 1955 to 1985, and then moved to public television for six more years. The show won six Emmys and three Peabody Awards.
The format was simplicity itself: Keeshan would wander through the Treasure House, wearing his distinctive big-pocketed coat, and talk with Brannum and the puppets. He'd meet with guests, tell stories, and generally entertain.
Shows were frequently interrupted with silliness, such as hundreds of ping-pong balls dropping from the ceiling or Mr. Moose's knock-knock jokes.
But the mainstay was the grandfatherly Keeshan.
"I was impressed with the potential positive relationship between grandparents and grandchildren, so I chose an elderly character," Keeshan said, according to the AP.
Bob Keeshan in 1999.
In a statement issued by his son Michael, Keeshan's family said: "Our father, grandfather and friend was as passionate for his family as he was for America's children. He was largely a private man living an often public life as an advocate for all that our nation's children deserve."
"Captain Kangaroo" aired in the early mornings on CBS until 1985, when the network canceled the show to expand its morning news program.
Keeshan was named Broadcaster of the Year in 1979 by the International Radio and Television Society and was inducted into the National Association of Broadcasters Hall of Fame in 1998. He also spent five years as the silent Clarabell the Clown on "The Howdy Doody Show."
Keeshan was closely involved with health and child-care issues, serving on several boards and working to provide child care to the children of large corporations.
When Fred Rogers, the gentle host of "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood," died last year, Keeshan recalled how they often spoke about the state of children's programming, according to the AP.
"I don't think it's any secret that Fred and I were not very happy with the way children's television had gone," Keeshan said.
"Turn and Cough" --A commentary by Mr. B
01.22.04 (8:03 am) [edit]
"Greetings! Today is Thursday and I am pumped up! Why you ask? Well, Thursday night is poker night up here in heaven! I normally clean house too. (Did you get the pun there?). Last week I had a full house, queens over tens. I bet ten heavenly dollars thinking no one would even come close to matching it. Wouldn't you know it, Rock Hudson raised me another ten! That bastard! Rock and I go way back (as friends only, don't be getting any ideas!)
Other than that, I will be running around trying to get things done. I am happy to report that the journal Craig is keeping (the written journal) is going very well. So far he has met his goal of writing every day. I am proud of him--you should all comment and tell him what a fine individual he is. Ok, maybe not ;)" --Mr. B
Other than that, I will be running around trying to get things done. I am happy to report that the journal Craig is keeping (the written journal) is going very well. So far he has met his goal of writing every day. I am proud of him--you should all comment and tell him what a fine individual he is. Ok, maybe not ;)" --Mr. B
Smiling faces, wear braces
01.21.04 (11:36 am) [edit]
"Greetings. No, this has nothing to do with dental work. I was just reminded of this saying from when I was in school. (ok, actually when Craig was in school--he is the one writing this, not me, I am dead.)
General thoughts of the day:
1. I have apples in my refrigerator from November and they are STILL good. How is this possible?
2. I still think the show JAG sucks.
3. American Idol is back. How in the hell can this show be popular and my show not even be in syndication?
4. Pittsburgh is an underrated city.
Please have a great day--I would love to hear your comments!!!:--mr.b
General thoughts of the day:
1. I have apples in my refrigerator from November and they are STILL good. How is this possible?
2. I still think the show JAG sucks.
3. American Idol is back. How in the hell can this show be popular and my show not even be in syndication?
4. Pittsburgh is an underrated city.
Please have a great day--I would love to hear your comments!!!:--mr.b
Mr. B's Mailbag
01.20.04 (12:46 pm) [edit]
"Greetings fellow bloggers! Let us dive in and see what happens!"
[i]Dear Mr. Belvedere,
I want to talk to you about cup size. I am so irritated that men only think about how big my breasts are. I have a face you know! Why can't they see me for what I am...I am a good, fun loving person who just so happens to have EE breasts.
Busty in Baltimore.[/i]
Dear Busty,
Dear God woman! You have huge knockers!
Mr. B
[i]Dear Mr. Belvedere,
I want to talk to you about cup size. I am so irritated that men only think about how big my breasts are. I have a face you know! Why can't they see me for what I am...I am a good, fun loving person who just so happens to have EE breasts.
Busty in Baltimore.[/i]
Dear Busty,
Dear God woman! You have huge knockers!
Mr. B
Streaks on the China
01.19.04 (1:23 pm) [edit]
[i]In his weekly installment of "Streaks on the China", Mr. Belvedere examines issues that we face today...[/i]
"Greetings fellow bloggers! Today I have a rant of sorts. It seems as if I am unable to get ESPN 2 here in heaven. This causes me much dismay, because occasionally they will show Australian Rules Football and snooker highlights late in the morning. I talked to a few people up here, and they told me it was between ESPN 2 and replays of old Julia Child cooking shows. That pissed me off to no end.
So, for now I am actively campaigning for ESPN 2 to be added to our heavenly cable up here. It is a pain the ass to wait for updates from Craig, and it take hours on the ouija board to get them. I wish I had the power to "ghost around" as you mortals put it.
Has anyone noticed my television show, Mr. Belvedere, is NEVER on re-runs? Enjoy your day my friends, I must go...I have a massage scheduled."
--Mr. B
"Greetings fellow bloggers! Today I have a rant of sorts. It seems as if I am unable to get ESPN 2 here in heaven. This causes me much dismay, because occasionally they will show Australian Rules Football and snooker highlights late in the morning. I talked to a few people up here, and they told me it was between ESPN 2 and replays of old Julia Child cooking shows. That pissed me off to no end.
So, for now I am actively campaigning for ESPN 2 to be added to our heavenly cable up here. It is a pain the ass to wait for updates from Craig, and it take hours on the ouija board to get them. I wish I had the power to "ghost around" as you mortals put it.
Has anyone noticed my television show, Mr. Belvedere, is NEVER on re-runs? Enjoy your day my friends, I must go...I have a massage scheduled."
--Mr. B
Life is More than Mere Survival.
01.18.04 (11:50 am) [edit]
"Greetings! Welcome to my special column entitled "Life is more than mere survival". Today I would like to examine something that is really chapping my ass. Pop up ads. They are getting smarter these ads...just today Craig told me he had a pop up ad that MADE you go to its site--for it had no minimize box in the upper right hand corner. To get out of it, you had to click on something, which takes you to that page and so on.
Have we reached a point in life where we need to advertise so blatantly? Perhaps I am being a bit fuddy duddy--I don't know. At any rate, here are my top 5 things to look out for this week.
1. Will Captain Kangaroo continue to go through Preparation H like a starving artist at a buffet table?
2. Is Craig going to do something productive on Monday, his day off?
3. Who will win the Iowa caucus? I hope it's a 4 way tie so that they will hang around longer, thus the world can see how inept they are.
4. Will I get rid of the music on my blog? Most likely it will be yes...let me know how you feel about that.
5. Who will give me the most t bucks this week? We shall see. The one who does will be featured on my blog.
Until we meet again". --Mr. B
Have we reached a point in life where we need to advertise so blatantly? Perhaps I am being a bit fuddy duddy--I don't know. At any rate, here are my top 5 things to look out for this week.
1. Will Captain Kangaroo continue to go through Preparation H like a starving artist at a buffet table?
2. Is Craig going to do something productive on Monday, his day off?
3. Who will win the Iowa caucus? I hope it's a 4 way tie so that they will hang around longer, thus the world can see how inept they are.
4. Will I get rid of the music on my blog? Most likely it will be yes...let me know how you feel about that.
5. Who will give me the most t bucks this week? We shall see. The one who does will be featured on my blog.
Until we meet again". --Mr. B
Streaks on the China
01.15.04 (10:19 pm) [edit]
[i]In his weekly installment of "Streaks on the China", Mr. B dives into issues that plague our society.[/i]
"Greetings fellow bloggers! It appears my attempt at cracking the top 99 is still falling short, however in true Belvedere fashion, I will not give up. Or as your President says "we will prevail". He says that quite often, and I just cackle at the telly...
Now, on to more important issues. As most of you know, I am dead and communicate through Craig via Ouija board. Craig is notorious for having seen spirits, and we connected one night when he was having trouble making bread pudding. I came to him in a vision and carefully instructed him on the proper way to make such a fine dessert. He fainted from shock, but upon accepting his newfound talent (drumming up spirits) shared his bread pudding with me, and the rest is history.
So, please do not fear me because I am a ghost. I am no different now than I was on earth. I am still the second rate sitcom actor who people seem to always remember. It still pisses me off that Nick at Night chose Three's Company and Wings over my show, but one day those bastards will get it right.
**My war with Kangaroo update: I told Captain Kangaroo that if he were to apologize to me, I would do the same. Of course, I had my fingers crossed...."
--Mr.B
"Greetings fellow bloggers! It appears my attempt at cracking the top 99 is still falling short, however in true Belvedere fashion, I will not give up. Or as your President says "we will prevail". He says that quite often, and I just cackle at the telly...
Now, on to more important issues. As most of you know, I am dead and communicate through Craig via Ouija board. Craig is notorious for having seen spirits, and we connected one night when he was having trouble making bread pudding. I came to him in a vision and carefully instructed him on the proper way to make such a fine dessert. He fainted from shock, but upon accepting his newfound talent (drumming up spirits) shared his bread pudding with me, and the rest is history.
So, please do not fear me because I am a ghost. I am no different now than I was on earth. I am still the second rate sitcom actor who people seem to always remember. It still pisses me off that Nick at Night chose Three's Company and Wings over my show, but one day those bastards will get it right.
**My war with Kangaroo update: I told Captain Kangaroo that if he were to apologize to me, I would do the same. Of course, I had my fingers crossed...."
--Mr.B
Life is more than mere survival
01.14.04 (10:21 am) [edit]
"Greetings! Today in today's installment of "Life is more than mere survival", I will examine the following.
1. George W. Bush wants Billions of dollars for a trip to Mars and the Moon. Ok. Now where on EARTH is he going to find this money?
2. Captain Kangaroo won't admit this, but he goes through 2-3 tubes of Preparation H per month.
3. Craig has just informed me via Ouija board that this woman in his office made tomato soup and now it reeks like it all over the place, which apparently has him in a bit of a tizzy.
4. There are some people in this world who honestly should get a medal for being able to walk and chew gum at the same time.
That's all for now my dear friends...enjoy your afternoon."
--Mr. B
1. George W. Bush wants Billions of dollars for a trip to Mars and the Moon. Ok. Now where on EARTH is he going to find this money?
2. Captain Kangaroo won't admit this, but he goes through 2-3 tubes of Preparation H per month.
3. Craig has just informed me via Ouija board that this woman in his office made tomato soup and now it reeks like it all over the place, which apparently has him in a bit of a tizzy.
4. There are some people in this world who honestly should get a medal for being able to walk and chew gum at the same time.
That's all for now my dear friends...enjoy your afternoon."
--Mr. B
"Turn and Cough"..A commentary by Mr. B
01.13.04 (9:00 am) [edit]
"Greetings! Let's get started shall we? First off, I would like to thank all of you for your support and kind words. Apparently I have a little following here at t-blog and that makes me happier than a pig in slop (that was for Trina). I would like to share a few things about me that you may not know:
--My favorite drink is Dr. Pepper, but I also enjoy a nice pint of Guinness. Ok, actually more than one. More like 6.
--I am tidy. Tidiness is rudimentary in my life. I love to clean and be tidy. I like my bed to be tidy. I like my floors to be spic and span. Actually, I hate the term spic and span. Let's change that....
--I like felt. Yes, felt. I like the way it feels. I like the way it keeps your collectibles from scratching up your tables. I love felt.
Do you have any questions for me? If so, please ask! I am ready and willing to share all there is to know about Mr. B. Until then, may you have safe travels...."
-Mr. B
--My favorite drink is Dr. Pepper, but I also enjoy a nice pint of Guinness. Ok, actually more than one. More like 6.
--I am tidy. Tidiness is rudimentary in my life. I love to clean and be tidy. I like my bed to be tidy. I like my floors to be spic and span. Actually, I hate the term spic and span. Let's change that....
--I like felt. Yes, felt. I like the way it feels. I like the way it keeps your collectibles from scratching up your tables. I love felt.
Do you have any questions for me? If so, please ask! I am ready and willing to share all there is to know about Mr. B. Until then, may you have safe travels...."
-Mr. B
Mr. B's Mailbag
01.11.04 (7:51 pm) [edit]
"Greetings fellow bloggers! Let us dive into my mailbag and see what fantastic things may occur...."
Dear Mr. Belvedere,
I was walking down the street yesterday and I met Captain Kangaroo. He was telling me that you think you are such a big stud, and that it pisses him off. Is there something going on with you two? What did you do to him to make him so angry. At one point in the conversation, he took the soft pretzel out of my hand, threw it to the ground and started stomping on it like a crazed lunatic. When I told him he owed me for the pretzel, he said "send the bill to Belvedere." What is going on?
Pretzel-less in Panama City
[i]Dear Pretzel,
Let me share a story about the Captain. Once, at a party for retired actors, he got really drunk and started running around in his underwear. I made a comment to the party goers that he looked like a beached whale wearing boxers. Everyone laughed at that and it embarrassed him to a great extent. I think perhaps what you saw was a grumpy old man who still can't accept the fact that underneath that silly red jacket lies a beached whale in boxers.
As for your lost pretzel, I will gladly pay you Tuesday.
--Mr.B[/i]
Dear Mr. Belvedere,
I was walking down the street yesterday and I met Captain Kangaroo. He was telling me that you think you are such a big stud, and that it pisses him off. Is there something going on with you two? What did you do to him to make him so angry. At one point in the conversation, he took the soft pretzel out of my hand, threw it to the ground and started stomping on it like a crazed lunatic. When I told him he owed me for the pretzel, he said "send the bill to Belvedere." What is going on?
Pretzel-less in Panama City
[i]Dear Pretzel,
Let me share a story about the Captain. Once, at a party for retired actors, he got really drunk and started running around in his underwear. I made a comment to the party goers that he looked like a beached whale wearing boxers. Everyone laughed at that and it embarrassed him to a great extent. I think perhaps what you saw was a grumpy old man who still can't accept the fact that underneath that silly red jacket lies a beached whale in boxers.
As for your lost pretzel, I will gladly pay you Tuesday.
--Mr.B[/i]
Life is More than Mere Survival
01.10.04 (8:36 am) [edit]
"Greetings! A few thoughts to share on this cold Saturday:
1. I wonder sometimes if Uranus should be a planet. It is the butt of way too many jokes. I suggest a different name, which does not emit such stellar sexual references.
2. I lost a bet last night and had to watch an entire episode of JAG. I have an appointment with a therapist next week--hopefully the damage will not be too severe.
3. The Guinness beer commercials are hilarious. Simply hilarious.
4. Will I ever crack the top 100 blogs?
That is all for now--keep coming back and please feel free to email ideas for my mailbag. I can be reached at irishcsred@hotmail.com."
--Mr. B
1. I wonder sometimes if Uranus should be a planet. It is the butt of way too many jokes. I suggest a different name, which does not emit such stellar sexual references.
2. I lost a bet last night and had to watch an entire episode of JAG. I have an appointment with a therapist next week--hopefully the damage will not be too severe.
3. The Guinness beer commercials are hilarious. Simply hilarious.
4. Will I ever crack the top 100 blogs?
That is all for now--keep coming back and please feel free to email ideas for my mailbag. I can be reached at irishcsred@hotmail.com."
--Mr. B
Mr. B's Mailbag
01.09.04 (12:55 pm) [edit]
"Greetings! Let us dive into the bag-o-mail and see what transpires!"
Dear Mr. Belvedere,
My husband is pissing me off. He keeps buying tins of altoids and laying them all around the house. Whenever I pass by a tin of them he looks at me with these sexy eyes and wiggles his brows.
Am I missing something? What the hell is so special about Altoids? I brush my teeth like 3 times a day, so I know I don't have bad breath. Can you shed some light?
Weirded out in Wyoming.
[i]Dear Weirded out,
Let me try to put this as G rated as I can. Extreme mints, such as Altoids, when chewed can create a certain....let us say "heat" that some men find absolutely thrilling. Try this, chew on a few altoids, and then slowly suck on your index finger. Then, the next time your husband gets all giddy about you eating altoids, think really hard....and put 2 and 2 together!
Happy Minting!
Mr. B[/i]
Dear Mr. Belvedere,
My husband is pissing me off. He keeps buying tins of altoids and laying them all around the house. Whenever I pass by a tin of them he looks at me with these sexy eyes and wiggles his brows.
Am I missing something? What the hell is so special about Altoids? I brush my teeth like 3 times a day, so I know I don't have bad breath. Can you shed some light?
Weirded out in Wyoming.
[i]Dear Weirded out,
Let me try to put this as G rated as I can. Extreme mints, such as Altoids, when chewed can create a certain....let us say "heat" that some men find absolutely thrilling. Try this, chew on a few altoids, and then slowly suck on your index finger. Then, the next time your husband gets all giddy about you eating altoids, think really hard....and put 2 and 2 together!
Happy Minting!
Mr. B[/i]
When in the course of human events.....
01.08.04 (6:58 am) [edit]
"Good morning...here are some of my thoughts today:
I am growing tired of muffins. They are not doing much for me, and quite frankly, the blueberry muffins I see each day have blueberries that look like Pluto if you are standing on Mercury.
I still cannot believe that JAG is on the air. My show made JAG look like Captain Kangaroo. We could have aired Mr. Belvedere reunion special too, but no....the tightwads at ABC decided that we were better off preseving the legacy of our show as is. In other words, blah blah blah.
What the hell is the deal with Taco Pizza? I was out with my weekly dinner group (dead ABC sitcom actors over 50 who have british accents), and we ordered one. It tasted like Taco Bell had handed us food that was cooked in a Sterno container.
Ok, enough of my pish posh....enjoy your day my fellow bloggers!"
--Mr. B
I am growing tired of muffins. They are not doing much for me, and quite frankly, the blueberry muffins I see each day have blueberries that look like Pluto if you are standing on Mercury.
I still cannot believe that JAG is on the air. My show made JAG look like Captain Kangaroo. We could have aired Mr. Belvedere reunion special too, but no....the tightwads at ABC decided that we were better off preseving the legacy of our show as is. In other words, blah blah blah.
What the hell is the deal with Taco Pizza? I was out with my weekly dinner group (dead ABC sitcom actors over 50 who have british accents), and we ordered one. It tasted like Taco Bell had handed us food that was cooked in a Sterno container.
Ok, enough of my pish posh....enjoy your day my fellow bloggers!"
--Mr. B
Things you may not know...
01.07.04 (9:24 am) [edit]
"Greetings fellow bloggers! I am feeling rather giddy today, as it is Steak day here in heaven. I normally come well prepared with a nice jar of horseradish. I love steak day! Alongside the steak comes a nice red jello which, pardon the pun is heavenly....
After we eat steak, we all take a walk to the local pub and toss down a few Guinness. I do so love Guinness, as does my friend and compadre, Craig--also known as irishred. Sometimes we drink a wee bit too much and run down the street in our undies. Not Craig though--if he were here I am certain he would go for it all and streak.
After we eat steak, we all take a walk to the local pub and toss down a few Guinness. I do so love Guinness, as does my friend and compadre, Craig--also known as irishred. Sometimes we drink a wee bit too much and run down the street in our undies. Not Craig though--if he were here I am certain he would go for it all and streak.
Mr. Belvedere's Mailbag
01.05.04 (5:12 pm) [edit]
"Greetings, let us dive into the mailbag and have some fun..."
Dear Mr. Belvedere,
Last night, for our fifth anniversary, my husband gave me a gift he was particularly proud of. I opened the box and it was a prescription for female "Viagra". As he stood there, grinning from ear to ear I got really angry. So mad the only thing I could think of doing was kicking him in the balls, which is what I did.
Here is my problem. I hurt him badly. The poor soul can hardly walk, and well, let's just say he won't be "doing the horizontal hula" anytime soon. My question is, I have all this female viagra--what should I do with it?
Invigorated in Ithica
[i]Dear Invigorated,
This is a new one for me. When I was young and swinging, we used to use words and pictures to stimulate our manly ma mas. Nowadays, there is a wide range of stimulants, such as your husbands poor choice of anniversary gifts that enable couples to "Rock the Casbah" with a certain Joie de vive, pardon the spelling.
So you kicked him in the family jewels eh? Good form! As for your issue, there are many ideas that come to mind. Do you have a good looking pool boy? [/i]
Dear Mr. Belvedere,
Last night, for our fifth anniversary, my husband gave me a gift he was particularly proud of. I opened the box and it was a prescription for female "Viagra". As he stood there, grinning from ear to ear I got really angry. So mad the only thing I could think of doing was kicking him in the balls, which is what I did.
Here is my problem. I hurt him badly. The poor soul can hardly walk, and well, let's just say he won't be "doing the horizontal hula" anytime soon. My question is, I have all this female viagra--what should I do with it?
Invigorated in Ithica
[i]Dear Invigorated,
This is a new one for me. When I was young and swinging, we used to use words and pictures to stimulate our manly ma mas. Nowadays, there is a wide range of stimulants, such as your husbands poor choice of anniversary gifts that enable couples to "Rock the Casbah" with a certain Joie de vive, pardon the spelling.
So you kicked him in the family jewels eh? Good form! As for your issue, there are many ideas that come to mind. Do you have a good looking pool boy? [/i]
Mr. B's Mailbag
01.03.04 (11:41 am) [edit]
"Greetings! Let us once more dive into some viewer mail..."
Dear Mr. Belvedere,
Yesterday, my father said that "I couldn't walk and chew gum at the same time." Being stubborn, I set out to show him I not only could, I can do much more. So, I started chewing a piece of gum, began to walk around the house while sweeping the floor and talking on the phone with my shrink. While I was doing that I pulled a muscle. Mr. Belvedere, I felt like an idiot. THEN to make matters worse--look at my father's quote at the very beginning of my letter. He was talking about HIMSELF, not me. Am I this dense?
Sore in San Diego
[i]Dearest Sore,
I am not sure where to start. First you committed the worst of faux pas--you were on the phone while using the vacuum cleaner. It is hard to believe someone of your girth could pull a muscle doing this. You are either extremely wimpy, or wasting my time with such pithy humor. Either way, the next time your father says something to you, I suggest you just stir up his Metamucil, hand it to him and smile. (That is, if you are not chewing gum at the time.)
--Mr. B[/i]
Dear Mr. Belvedere,
Yesterday, my father said that "I couldn't walk and chew gum at the same time." Being stubborn, I set out to show him I not only could, I can do much more. So, I started chewing a piece of gum, began to walk around the house while sweeping the floor and talking on the phone with my shrink. While I was doing that I pulled a muscle. Mr. Belvedere, I felt like an idiot. THEN to make matters worse--look at my father's quote at the very beginning of my letter. He was talking about HIMSELF, not me. Am I this dense?
Sore in San Diego
[i]Dearest Sore,
I am not sure where to start. First you committed the worst of faux pas--you were on the phone while using the vacuum cleaner. It is hard to believe someone of your girth could pull a muscle doing this. You are either extremely wimpy, or wasting my time with such pithy humor. Either way, the next time your father says something to you, I suggest you just stir up his Metamucil, hand it to him and smile. (That is, if you are not chewing gum at the time.)
--Mr. B[/i]
Mr. B's Mailbag
01.02.04 (6:06 am) [edit]
Dear Mr. Belvedere,
Last year, my husband bought this really expensive John Deere riding lawnmower and I got really mad at him because he spent almost 3 thousand dollars on it. He asked me to try it out just once and if I still didn't like it, he would take it back. Mr. B, when I jumped on that thing and he started it up...the power...the intense vibrations...the loose padded seat....I fell in love with that thing and even "took it out for a spin" while my husband was on a fishing trip with his buddies. Should I feel guilty? Am I perverted because this...this...riding lawnmower...well...rides well? Oh yes, and by the way, I still acted pissed at him because he bought the mower, even though I like it better than him now.
Mowing in Macon
[i]Dear Mowing,
Dear God! In all my years answering mail this without a doubt takes the cake as the most inappropriate letter. I am a butler for God sake! So, you get your jollies riding around on a big green tractor with a yellow seat. You sit there, I am thinking you are about 5'5" 120, 34B....you sit there, vibrating....in your tube top and cowboy hat, sweating in the hot summer sun...denim daisy duke shorts...moaning with pleas....my apologies. I got carried away in your little lawn mowing xanadu. My advice--don't worry about your husband, afterall--nothing rides like a Deere."--Mr.B[/i]
Last year, my husband bought this really expensive John Deere riding lawnmower and I got really mad at him because he spent almost 3 thousand dollars on it. He asked me to try it out just once and if I still didn't like it, he would take it back. Mr. B, when I jumped on that thing and he started it up...the power...the intense vibrations...the loose padded seat....I fell in love with that thing and even "took it out for a spin" while my husband was on a fishing trip with his buddies. Should I feel guilty? Am I perverted because this...this...riding lawnmower...well...rides well? Oh yes, and by the way, I still acted pissed at him because he bought the mower, even though I like it better than him now.
Mowing in Macon
[i]Dear Mowing,
Dear God! In all my years answering mail this without a doubt takes the cake as the most inappropriate letter. I am a butler for God sake! So, you get your jollies riding around on a big green tractor with a yellow seat. You sit there, I am thinking you are about 5'5" 120, 34B....you sit there, vibrating....in your tube top and cowboy hat, sweating in the hot summer sun...denim daisy duke shorts...moaning with pleas....my apologies. I got carried away in your little lawn mowing xanadu. My advice--don't worry about your husband, afterall--nothing rides like a Deere."--Mr.B[/i]