[b]Mr. Belvedere is dead. He communicates via ouija board with Craig a few times a week. Craig then types out what Mr. Belvedere has to say, the end result being this blog. Please do not freak out--Mr. Belvedere only haunts people who did not like his show.[/b]

"Greetings fellow bloggers! Well I have been working with Craig as he prepares for his big interview in New Hampshire. We are going over questions that may come about, which is no easy task on the ouija board. Perhaps you have an idea or two on how he can be as charming as possible.

I love using the word "shant". I shant be coming over for tea today, as I have shuffleboard practice. That is what I told My dear friend Alexander Graham Bell, who asked me over for a spot of tea. Alex likes to brag about inventing the phone. It drives me bananas. I tell him, Alexander, let us move on--inventing the telephone is so....1800's. It pisses him off a triffle, but I think he gets the message.

That reminds me...maybe you have a question or two for my dear friend that I can convey? This could be fun--I might even give him a day to blog for you! Until then...I wish you a pleasant night."

--Mr.B

[b]Mr. Belvedere is dead. He communicates via ouija board with Craig a few times a week. Craig then types out what Mr. Belvedere has to say, the end result being this blog. Please do not freak out--Mr. Belvedere only haunts people who did not like his show.[/b]

"Greetings fellow bloggers! Today in heaven we had our annual shuffleboard tournament. I was paired with my good friend, Rock Hudson. We took on the venerable duo of Nell Carter and Bob Hope. Although on the surface they would appear to be a most unlikely pair, when together in a competition they become as fierce as fierce can be.

Bob Hope pisses me off to some degree, because he always coughs when I am about to shuffle. He says it is his dry throat condition, but I see right through that comedic laugh-whore. I am happy to report that Rock and I won the match and will move on to round two to play Chris Farley and Abraham Lincoln. (Please don't ask.)

I will keep you all updated on our progress. Until then, may you have a happy night!"

--Mr. B

Leave Mr. B a fun comment....he wants to crack the top 100.

[b]Mr. Belvedere is dead. He communicates via ouija board with Craig a few times a week. Craig then types out what Mr. Belvedere has to say, the end result being this blog. Please do not freak out--Mr. Belvedere only haunts people who did not like his show.[/b]

"Greetings fellow bloggers! It is Friday and the excitement is so thick you can cut it with a knife...or something like that. The weekend is a time to relax and enjoy the people around you. Or, if you prefer, you can shun society and lay on your couch watching baseball and the olympics, which is exactly what Craig is going to do. Is he a lame ass couch potato or just one smart cookie? You decide.

As for me, I am meeting with the heaven cable association to determine whether or not reruns of my show, "Mr. Belvedere" will be shown beginning this fall. Already they have added "Greatest American Hero" and "The Dukes of Hazard". Apparently, I am not as talented as Uncle Freakin Jesse and Cooter. We shall see though--I have a trick or two up my sleeve.

I sincerely hope that your weekend is a good one and that you will write comments."

[b]Mr. Belvedere is dead. He communicates via ouija board with Craig a few times a week. Craig then types out what Mr. Belvedere has to say, the end result being this blog. Please do not freak out--Mr. Belvedere only haunts people who did not like his show.[/b]

"Greetings fellow bloggers! Have you ever walked down the street and noticed a person walking in the opposite direction talking out loud to themselves? It is quite bizarre. I see it all the time, because I am dead, and you can't see me when I stroll down a Manhattan Street. I wonder to myself the following things:

1. Do this many people have imaginery friends?

2. If so, are they that lonely?

3. I think Craig has like 10 imaginery friends, including one named Paco.

I am well aware that there are some people with headsets talking on phones, which is another story altogether. And there are people with mental illnesses who need our help. But c'mon! All these people talking to themselves...having full conversations?? I think we should all sit down for a nice hot cup of tea and talk to each other, face to face, and not some imaginery friend who probably backstabs you every chance he gets anyway.

That is my rant for the day--I do hope you have a wonderful afternoon. Peace-out mofos."

--Mr. B

[b]Mr. Belvedere is dead. He communicates via ouija board with Craig a few times a week. Craig then types out what Mr. Belvedere has to say, the end result being this blog. Please do not freak out--Mr. Belvedere only haunts people who did not like his show.[/b]

When I was on the set of Mr. Belvedere, I used to get real ticked off when Bob Uecker came to work drunk off his ass. He was a mediocre actor sober so you can imagine what it was like to stand there and do take after freaking take with a "bombed Bob"

The young actor who played Wesley on the show was a fine lad, although he was quite the prankster. Once he put a laxative in my afternoon tea, causing me to crap non-stop for the next 15 hours. My face showed the effects of a night of crapping when we taped that episode. I looked weak and dehydrated--like Keith Richards on a good day.

All in all I made it through each of the trials and tribulations with grace and dignity. I cannot help but wonder though if I would have been better off developing my second talent--wild bull riding.

Until next time.

Mr. B

Mr. Belvedere brings back this classic email he received a long time ago...

Dear Mr. Belvedere,

My mother-in-law drives me insane. She always comes over univited and makes little comments like "oh, I see the house is a filthy pigy sty again", or "you could stand to take a shower once in awhile", or "oh, look the kids are wearing tattered clothing". Well, I am sick of it. I think she should shut her trap and let my wife and I do what is best for our family. The problem is, my mother-in-law knows I like to wear women's underwear under my work clothes. (She caught me changing once..long story.) So I am basically at her mercy for the rest of her natural life. What can I do? She drives me nuts!

CD in Cancun


[i]Dear "CD",

Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive. Let's discuss this women's undies issue. I am not one to critique the fetishes of others. I too have my fetishes--a nice cup of Earl Grey before bed, listening to the BBC, and of course the Spice Girls. This however does not preclude me from expressing my own disdain with your need to shove a thong up your ass. I would suggest telling your wife you were sleep walking one day and accidentally put the wrong underwear on, only to find her mother standing there snapping pictures.

This may just work, afterall, she did marry you indicating she too may have lost her faculties in a drug related mishap. By the way, take a shower--this letter stinks!

--Mr. B[/i]

"Greetings fellow bloggers! Let's dive into the mailbag and see what happens, shall we?"

[b]Dear Mr. Belvedere,

What do you really think of the French?

--Pepe in Paris[/b]


[i]Dear Pepe,

I think overall the French are a fine people. You tend to talk way too much and so fast that even if I knew French I would be lost. I am not a big fan of the word "baguette" either. It's a stupid word, so I refuse to eat your bread.

Perhaps most disappointing is your affinity for Jerry Lewis. This man has no acting ability whatsoever, and yet he is the most watched star in your country. Have you once shown a re-run of MY show? You would think a mega-star like myself would get some love in France.

You do have hot babes there though and great nude beaches.

--Mr. B[/i]

"Greetings fellow bloggers!  I am back after a lengthy absence and have a dousy of a tale for you!  See what you think of this one!!"

 

Proposed Dutch law would ban unsolicited toe-licking

Friday, August 6, 2004 Posted: 12:24 PM EDT (1624 GMT)

AMSTERDAM, Netherlands (Reuters) -- Unsolicited toe-licking would be banned in the Netherlands under a law sought by the Dutch Labor party after police were unable to prosecute a would-be Casanova with a taste for female toes because he had committed no crime.

A police spokesman said Friday a man had been detained after women sunning themselves in Rotterdam's parks and beaches claimed he had snuck up on them and begun to lick their toes. "The officers had to let him go. Licking a stranger's toes is rather unusual but there is really nothing criminal about it," the spokesman said.  Dutch press reports said the man, who is about 35, had been licking the toes of strangers for about three years but was only recently caught by police.  Peter van Heemst, a Labor member of parliament, asked Christian Democrat Justice Minister Piet Hein Donner Friday to explain why Dutch laws forbid littering but not uninvited toe-licking. Van Heemst demanded an amendment prohibiting it.  "It is a violation of one's privacy and one's physical integrity," he told a local news agency. "The norm... is that no one should touch your body if you haven't asked them first."  A spokesman for Donner said the minister could not immediately comment.

Mr. Belvedere is on his way back from vacation...so please don't fret--he will be back stronger than ever in no time :)

 

--Craig